By Michelle Fajkus
Journal from a 10-day silent meditation course, July 2007
Day 1
Thunder rolls in the distance. Already I am breaking the rules by writing. There’s no dinner here, just breakfast and lunch, then tea and fruit at 5:00 each day. It will surely be an interesting experience.
Day 2
I am struggling with the pain in the back of my neck. It radiates through the back of my head. Not eating dinner wasn’t so bad yesterday. The teacher always says, “Pay close attention to your own respiration,” but with his Indian accent it sounds like “desperation.”
Day 3
I slept fitfully through the night, awoken by my searing neck pain. Sometimes I feel like shouting in the silent dining room or meditation hall, “SERENITY NOW!”
Day 4
It has rained every day since I arrived and it’s raining now. Yesterday I pushed it too much with yoga. My neck was not pleased. For a little while, I had myself convinced that I have a cancerous brain tumor, therefore I need to leave and go get a CAT scan right away. The power of the mind is amazing.
Day 5
I “slept in” until 4:44 a.m. I allowed the extra rest because I woke up several times last night with pain after having trouble falling asleep. I started crying upon seeing a rabbit on the walking path. My pain-in-the-neck subsided but has since returned. I am trying not to have aversion to it, to just let it run its course. The bell has just sounded beckoning us back to the hall. Halfway there! I am at the summit!
Day 6
I’ve decided there is definitely such as thing as TOO MUCH SITTING! Eight hours of prescribed sitting per day is ridiculous. I am so SICK of meditating. This is natural I know, and I realize it will pass. It’s 4:16 p.m. and I’m wishing I had some chocolate ice cream, my laptop, and a friend to talk with. But, no. I’ll go sit without opening my eyes or moving my hands or feet. I saw that same gawky rabbit from the other day. No one was around, so I said, “Hey, Bunny! How are you? Do you have my car keys? That’d be so cool!” Talking to a bunny, my first words in six days. Then Bunny hopped over to the parking lot and sat and stared right at my car. Come on now, that’s got to be a sign.
Day 7
This morning I was headachy. I am cycling rapidly through emotions… happiness, curiosity, regret, humor, despair, etc. I feel shackled by my overactive mind. I see the suffering, the impermanence, the craving and aversion. I see the way out. Just experience life, from moment to moment.
Day 7
This morning I was headachy. I am cycling rapidly through emotions… happiness, curiosity, regret, humor, despair, etc. I feel shackled by my overactive mind. I see the suffering, the impermanence, the craving and aversion. I see the way out. Just experience life, from moment to moment.
Day 8
It took me a long time to fall asleep last night. I tried everything… reading, writing, relaxation, yoga, deep breathing, counting sheep. Thankfully my mind was calm the whole time, so even though I only slept four hours, I feel rested now.
Day 9
Well, I made it through the day (until now) without writing.
DAY TEN!!!!!!!
I can't verbalize the transformations that have occurred over these ten days, but of course I’ll try. Yoga is meditation and meditation is yoga. One hundred percent of what happens to me is a result of what is going on within my body/mind. Liberation is possible within this lifetime. Suffering is caused by attachment and aversion, which are automatic habits of the conditioned human mind. There is a way out of suffering which is available to everyone. That is, to develop equanimity of the mind, so that you are never swayed by ephemeral sensations, perceptions, thoughts or events. The path is there, waiting. It is not an easy hike. But taking the path is precisely the point of life.
